Indicative Clutter

(1,2,3) Three bags sit outside of my master bathroom.  All are filled with clothes that I plan on donating to the Good Will.  I know... a very philanthropic gesture; one that I believe firmly in. 

It's a problem, however, when they have been sitting there for over 4 months, serving absolutely no purpose... collecting dust-balls and hair.  Ew!!

I mean, seriously?  What the heck is wrong with me?  I spent so much time raking through my closets and drawers, pulling out all that I knew I would never (or should never) wear again, bagging up my charity... and yet I can't bring myself to put them in my car and drive them to a donation box.  Slappity, slap-slap, Meghan!  Get it together, sister!

Here's the good news: That is all about to change!

I am one of the lucky ones that have off the entire week after Christmas.  This brings me almost as much joy as the holiday itself (okay, maybe more). 

So I will be using this healthy chunk of time to do the following:

* I will be adding (hopefully) another 3-4 bags of donated clothes to the previously mentioned bags.  This is in addition to the 3-4 bags of Liam and Bren's clothes that I am handing down and/or donating.  How do clothes accumulate so fast?  And why SO MUCH!  Why do I need 15 pairs of sweats.  I wear the same damn pair every night anyway. *

* I will also be re-organizing the dreaded basement storage area.  When we moved into this place, we just threw all of our unused junk in the basement/laundry room.  It looks like crap.  AND some of it, we don't.even.need!  Again, serving NO purpose in our house or in our lives.   To Good Will with you, dust collectors!  Go make someone else happy! *

* Cleaning is a top priority of mine.  I like to keep the house "tidy," which essentially means that I straighten-up often (pillows in the right place, tables wiped, etc).  But a thorough cleaning is necessary at this point, especially since I have the time to do it. *

* Thank you cards.  Enough said. *

* Consolidate my recipe collection.  Not only do I have my very own favorite recipes that I will never ever let go of, but I have gathered so many recipes from some awesome blogs: (She's amazing... check her out.  These two ladies rock it out.  And her posts make me drool.)  With all the inspiration, and all the ideas, I have my work cut out for me. *

* I'm also going to craft during the break.  This is another inspired hobby that I plan on exploring!  And I'm really excited about it!!!  I plan on documenting my steps during some of my adventures, and starting to post DIY's.  So many awesome DIY blogs out there, and I want to jump on that bandwagon!  I have pointed her out before, and she is relevant here too.  Total genius! *

* Lastly, and most importantly, I plan on spending every bit of my time with my sidekick, Liam!  It's been a while since we had a solid few days off together.  I'm looking forward to all the kisses and hugs and high-fives that will surely fill up our days.  He's amazing! *  

* I REALLY REALLY wish my hub was going to have this time off with us, but alas, he will be slaving away in corporate America.  Yay, Capitalism!  I miss him, dearly. *

All of this adds up to something.  Something bigger than getting rid of clothes and arranging my recipe cards ever-so methodically.  All of this is in an effort to de-clutter my life.  Clutter is so symptomatic.  It is the result of stress- a visual reminder/representation of anxiety.  And it's time to change all of that.  It's time to return to peace. 

Rosie

Tell them we love them- deliver the message

as only you could, Dear Soul.

They have been waiting to see you... and

you're a hard one to miss.

Give her a kiss for me, and tell her it's been too long.

I've longed for her ever since.

The same goes for him. 

I'm connected to you, always-

you precious woman, you.

I'll carry on your sweetness.

I'll try to live up to your

organic kindness.

I'll look for your smile where I stand

And your hand where I fall.

I'll look for your open arms

upon my homecoming.

Until then, know this:

I love you, beautiful Rosemary.

On my mind this Monday

My hub is on my mind today, like most days.  I hope to get a second to tell him how much he means to me.  I try to tell him everyday, in one way or another.  A text, a kiss, a hug... an actual "thank you."  I feel a date night brewing.  Date nights are SO important for any couple, but especially a mom/dad couple.  Nights away from the babe are critical in order to plug some romance, some spontaneity back into the connection.  What if, just for tonight, we weren't co-parents? We were co-people? You be a man. I'll be a woman. That's all.

My boy is ALWAYS on my mind, but especially recently.  The poor thing is going through a awful phase right now... I think they call it the 'terrible two's.'  There has been no hitting or kicking.  No throwing or spitting.  No screaming or tantrums.  None of the things {I thought} were classified under the term 'terrible two's.'  Instead, Bubba is an emotional wreck.  He has always been a VERY sensitive child (much like I was and am ;)), but lately, all he wants to/can do is cry.  And it has me totally lost/heartbroken, frustrated/drained.  I suppose this is a natural thing for both child and parent.  It's a test of the relationship, and it will only increase understanding and togetherness (at least that is my hope).  But in the midst of it, I'm feeling overwhelmed.  I turned to my wonderful mom, Karen, for support, and she simply told me: "Just love him."

Yeah.... she's pretty great!

School!  I came into work today to find out that I Aced this semester to the tune of a 3.85 GPA.  Good enough (I think) to keep me on the Dean's List.  And so, yeah, this makes me happy.  Being an almost 30 something with a husband and kid at home (I would say family, but husband and kid sounds a little more daunting, doesn't it?!), it has not been easy to keep up with my degree.  But I am working off of sheer will-power here, people.  Pure gusto.  Earning my degree falls in line right below my family on my list of priorities.  Sorry work, you didn't make the cut... even though I need you.  Okay, so I'll give work #3 on my list of importance/daily attention...

Finally, and last but NOT least, my Aunt Rosie, who is my Great Aunt (both generationally and complimentary) is heavy on my mind and in my heart. She has been in a nursing home for 5-or-so-years now, and had a stroke last week.  This was not her first stroke, but thankfully, it will be her last.  Her closest family members (my Great Uncle Lloyd and her sons, Larry and Irvin) decided to take her off meds, oxygen, and food, and simply let her pass.  She made it clear that this is what she wanted.  She has said for years now that she was "ready to go," but her body just wouldn't give up on her.  I was able to see her yesterday.  I was able to tell her how much I love her, how much she has always meant and will always mean to me, and I was able to kiss her goodbye.  I'm so thankful for that opportunity.  And I am begging the powers-that-be to take her peacefully, gently and soon.

It is so important to stay close to those special people in your life.  To tell those whom bring you joy just that; that they make you happy.  It is important to live in love rather than try to impose your love upon others.  Let the way in which you carry yourself speak louder than words ever could.  And lastly, look in the mirror and get to know yourself.  It begins and ends with you....

Someone's Coming

Little girl- huddled-

Hugging herself tight.

Waiting for someone to tell her

Everything’s alright.

Keeping her eyes open,

Staring at the light

Under the doorway.

All alone, in silence

She fears the worst;

She has been forgotten.

She did not come first.

She wipes her own tears now.

She believes she is a curse

In an ugly world.

So she stays in her bedroom, crying quietly.

She spins ‘round and ‘round.

Looking for solace in old pictures-

But there is nothing to be found.

A pile of wrecked memories

Scattered about the ground.
So quiet,            she gasps

At the sound
Of footsteps.

Someone's coming...

** This poem was recently published in George Mason University's literary magazine, Volition (2011)

Holiday Spirit

It's been about, oh, six years or so since I have participated in a holiday decorating ceremony/ritual/party/job (all of the above). 

When I was little, I remember being so excited to adorn the house in Christmas apparel. Karen (my mom) would pull out her absurdly large collection of Christmas decor, and she would lay it all out on the family room floor for my brother and I to admire.

Let's get one thing straight here... this was no ordinary stockpile.  Over the years, Karen had built up an impressive assortment of any and all types of festive doodads.

And I'll be damned if I wasn't ready to Christmafy every nook and cranny of that house.  Once those ornaments and doohickeys were splayed out in front of me, it was game on.  This was SERIOUS.

My brother Mike and I would scamper around the house embellishing window sills, end tables, bookshelves, televisions, counter tops, railings, bathrooms, bedrooms, porches, door knobs, tissue boxes (yes!).  You see, Karen had a "thing" with Christmas.  She still does.... 

...and consequently, so do I.  Though I didn't realize it until recently, when it was time to orchestrate my own holiday decorating extravaganza, I have inherited my mom's Christmas cheer.

We put up our first Whitfield tree a couple of weekends back.  It is just the perfect piece of eye candy to get me in the holiday spirit.  Scott (my dad) and Bren (my hub) put the tree up and strung the lights.  Karen (momma) and Liam (my baby boy) helped hang bulbs and ornaments and bows.  And before I knew it, it was brightening everything around me, inside of me, through me.  I had forgotten... just how much significance decorating carried.  How much the decorations meant.  And most of all, how much I absolutely love sharing the process with my family.

Mom--- Thank you for passing on your holiday enthusiasm to me.  I love you, and your crazy obsession with tissue box covers!

 

What Matters

Time- spent with my husband and my son; spent with my family and friends; spent in solitude and silence.

Space- for Liam to grow and play and dance and create; for Brendon and I to connect and count our blessings; for the newness we have yet to uncover.

Blankets- to cuddle in; to keep warm; to build forts and castles; to dream.

Pictures- to take; to reflect; to commemorate; to remember; to pass on.

Water- to stay healthy and hydrated; to take bubble baths; to rejuvenate; to splash and swim... and float.

To stay involved and engaged with those whom I love, admire and appreciate.

To read; to learn; to generate; to keep moving; to teach.

To pay it forward; to listen and advise; to smile and frown; to laugh and cry.

To keep my heart and ears open and my shoulder available, free of charge.

To ask for help when I need it; to teach Liam to do the same.

To lead by example and follow graciously.

To put love and kindness in the fore-front of my daily motives.

To love my husband, and allow him to treat me well.

To hug my father.

To honor my mom and my dad by being the best version of myself that I can possibly be.

To accept myself; to lower my expectations.

To be gentle.

Love

What is it about me that is
so bad, so terrible,
so unbearable,
that you would so suddenly
and easily
dismiss me?

What is it about my weaknesses
that make my strengths forgettable?
How can you possibly see me
for only my negative qualities?
Especially you.

I am a mix of good and bad…
just like every other person
living and breathing
on this earth.

When I am bad, I am very very bad,
but when I am good, I am lovely.
Does that not count for any
part of my character?

What do I have to be for you to love me?
Perfect?
What do I have to do for you to be able to handle me?
Shut up?

There you are… pointing your finger at me.

Do you think you’re flawless?
Do you think that I don’t have my own grievances
about you?

I promise you, I do.
But I love you.
I love you for the whole package-
flaws and all.

So in the end,
I realize...
This IS about love

(or at least it should be).

Forgiveness

"Slashed her chest, nail by nail,
possessed by something bigger.
Shredded her skin, in a gust of rage,
as if her flesh were your eyeballs-
and her skin your face-
deserving a good talking to.

Bashed her head, side to side,
lost control,
smothered,
by wretchedness.
Pounded, pounded, pounded her fist,

-face, stomach, head-

eager to knock you out
of her system.

Fist to flesh, flesh to fist,
tit for tat, you bastard.
Come to her, leave her alone.
Afterall…
She’s useless."

** This poem was recently published in George Mason University's literary magazine, Volition (2010).

you bitch!

Dear dark side,

Why are you so dark?

Why are you so hard to see through?

Why must you be so fucking scary?

The pitch-blackness is off-putting.

Be more transparent,

please.

Dear bright side,

You're no better.

You are just as blinding.

It hurts their eyes, your fakeness.

The glare is dreadfully intense.

Tone it down,

k, thanks.

Why not green

or perhaps purple.

Or orange;

deep and bright

and perfectly unique.

No extremes,

no black or white

Not even gray.

Bleh, who likes gray anyway?

Dear You-

Be bold and beautiful

and fearlessly vibrant.

Dear dark side,

Dear light side-

you are both

hereby dismissed.

** This poem was recently published in George Mason University's literary magazine, Volition (2010).

be loud

In that moment, the crickets moved swiftly, humming their usual summertime jingle. The royal-toned clouds sashayed along the horizon, appeasing my spellbound peepers, as my feet planted on the mismatched slats of 15 year old plywood. I felt heavy, as if pressed onto the timber deck, my toes cemented through its splinters. But I didn’t mind. I felt as if I was right where I belonged, just for that moment- alone. As the clouds danced their dance, and the crickets waltzed through the black grass, a gust, of deliciously pure breeze blew across my squinted nose. ‘My mouth is dry…’ and I quenched my thirst with a gulp of the freshly painted sky and a sip of the wholesomeness that the night’s essence offered me. Satisfied, I smiled: I had been craving freshness for months now, but it is an elusive substance- not easily found- which worries me to some extent. It does, however, always seem to drift in my direction at exactly the right moment, and find me salivating for its solace. Its unexpectedness is beautiful, making its ‘sparkle’ a novelty worth waiting for, and turning its mysteriousness into something I’ve come to rather enjoy, actually. I shuffled over to the half-rusted rod-iron railing, reaching my hand out as I approached it. Grabbing on, a flake of paint chipped off as I leaned over the edge and glanced down to salute the happiest bushes I have ever seen. I could not tell you off the top of my head what type of shrubbery these particular plants were; my thumbs are nowhere near green, (though I am hoping that will change in time). But I can most certainly aver their overall joy and attest to their contentment with life- as the welcoming committee to the building they sit in front of on Rock Ridge Lane. And the trees- dark at the moment, along the pink and purple skyline- waved at me, affectionately, from their towering stance. ‘I am so small,’ yet I felt so big, in that moment. Fortitude, I will not forsake you.

all my heart goes out to you, Bubba

My Bubba-

I find myself thinking back to where I was before you were born: 200+ pounds, swollen face, hands and legs, sore all over. I was so anxious to meet the person who took home inside my womb. I was so nervous: What if I don’t know what to do once you’re born? I was growing impatient with everyday that passed, as there was nothing on my mind except for meeting, you, my son, for the first time.

I remember the day we found out that you were a boy. I remember Daddy; the tears in his eyes, the smile on his face, the bliss in his voice. On the ride home, we couldn’t stop smiling if we tried. Dad called Grandma and Grandpa, I called Gammy and Pop-Pop, to tell them that they were going to have a grandson named Liam Michael. It goes without saying, they were overjoyed.

I remember that I stared at your ultrasound pictures for DAYS, stopping only to blink or shed a tear. I carried them around with me, so I could look you whenever I wanted.

I remember the exact spot that I felt your first kick, directly beneath my left ribcage. What a thrill it was that very first time in particular, to have you physically communicate your own existence!!!

I remember looking at my belly on a daily basis, rubbing your feet through my flesh, singing to you through my navel, whispering to you how wonderful I knew you were going to be. I was right.

I remember laughing when you would move; it tickled me inside out- both physically and emotionally.

I remember taking baths and watching you swirl around, especially when I would splash my belly with water- you must have been doing back flips.

I remember the day Daddy and I got married- you were with us. I can barely think about that day without crying, as it was so special to have you with us on such an important day. You and I looked beautiful that day, together.

I remember going for my monthly, and eventually weekly checkups, and how excited I would be: Maybe I would get to see you on the monitor!! And at the very least, I knew I’d hear your heartbeat, which was music to my ears, (and still is).

Each day, I remember recognizing that you were always with me, and that everything I did was for you. It became my “auto-pilot,” it became my way of living, and it became my future.

I remember dreaming of you; what you would look like, how your hand would fit into mine, how your laugh would sound.

I remember taking pictures every week to document our physical growth. What I could not document was the evolution of our bond and of our love for one another. That was a sacred spot for both of us, and was for our ears only.

I remember when Riley began to sleep in your room before you were even born. She knew I was pregnant. She was expecting you.

I remember how great of a support Daddy was for me, and consequently, for you. He was constantly reminding me that he was proud of me, and that he loved me. He fed us ice cream every night Liam!!

I remember your due date coming and going with you still in my belly. This was hard to swallow. I just wanted to be able to kiss you and lay my cheek to yours.

I remember calling Daddy and telling him “We’re having a baby tomorrow.” “GULP!!” he said. That night, we tucked ourselves in bed with tears in our eyes, for we knew the next day, we would meet the love of our lives- you.

I remember how sad I was to have my pregnancy come to an end because I felt so close with you, so connected. We were two people living in the same body. I knew the very core of you, and you of me.

I remember the ride to the hospital, holding Dad’s hand, calling Gammy and Grandma, smiling from ear to ear. We stopped at Starbucks before our 6:00am check-in at Fairfax Hospital. It was my last savory treat until the next day.

I remember labor being all the more intense because, darn it, I just wanted you in MY arms!! I had a c-section after 12 hours of labor. I remember feeling the doctors wiggle you out of my tummy and hold you up. I remember how fast the tears came, and how little I could do to keep myself from crying. You were crying, not surprisingly. But it was one of the most beautiful cries I have ever heard.

I remember having to say goodbye to you and Dad for 30 minutes while they cleaned me up. I woke up in a recovery area where, as soon as I opened my eyes, I saw you and Daddy staring at each other silently. I am thankful for that memory, and always will be.

I remember the next 3 days in the hospital were hard on all three of us, but at the same time, they were our first 3 days as a family, as a unit, as a whole- and we made it through together. Just as we have this past year! And what a WONDERFUL year it has been.


Our dearest Liam-

Today, you are 1 year old. Dad and I cannot put into words how much we love you- it is simply impossible. However, I can tell you that this past year has been the most profound year of our lives- watching you grow, witnessing your discoveries, encouraging your desires, and providing for your needs. While we both knew how special you would be, I don’t think either one of us could have imagined you to be as incredible as you truly are. You have helped us learn so much, as our teamwork as a couple, our abilities as parents, and our patience as humans has far surpassed what we thought ourselves capable. Thank you for your precious presence in our lives.

You, in one word, are magic, my love.
All our love, forever and ever-

Mommy and Daddy.

meanwhile

Today, I have had almost nothing on my mind. At least nothing that has any pull over my general mood. I've felt unusually blank, dull. This would bother me more had today not been particularly delightful: I smiled, genuinely, at everyone I passed, as I glided through the hallways of my office, humming Penny Lane aloud. And my smiles, every single one of them, were reciprocated.

At one point, I stepped outside- abandoning my workload for a short breather. There were two young Asian women outside where I sought solace. They were taking turn snapping photos of each other on the bench outside of my office. They appeared to be new students, and were definitely excited about being on campus! This, to me, was adorable. Though I was already in a smiley mood, this nudged it along. I obviously interrupted their photo shoot... but was oblivious to it at the time. I just smiled and hummed. After they got the shots they wanted, and were satisfied with the digital images that would later become their next Facebook profile pictures, they made it a point to look at me, smile back, and say cheerfully, "See you," in perfect unison. This left me feeling so noticed.

So for the rest of the day, I went about, smiling and humming. The song didn't change- Penny Lane flowed through my mind and into my vocal chords like a deliciously functioning fondue fountain onto a succulent strawberry, begging to be eaten. My hums, as drone as they may or may not be, were begging to be heard today. So I let them flow, I let them go.

I didn't fret today. I didn't worry about you. I didn't mull over us. Today was what it was, and I am thankful for that. It makes me smile.

Dear both of you

When I look at you, there is nothing that could take away the way my heart flutters. There's nothing that even comes close. I look at you and think, "Oh, Thank You!"

I will never betray you. I never want you to feel as though you aren't important to me. I want to always assure and reassure you that there is nothing that can divide the two of us; nothing that could make me even think to forsake you. I would bleed myself completely bone-dry, until I withered away trying to honor you.

I will always be here for you, regardless of your mistakes. I will always keep in mind my shortcomings, and always remember that I have a past as well. I will live by the creed that through hard times come the most profound opportunities to learn, and through the haze of failure comes a rainbow, full of teachable moments and new horizons. I will be there to support you as you endure these inevitable stages of life.

I will not lie to you: I will not invite you to lean on me, only to move when you do. I will always follow through with my promises and solemn vows, regardless of circumstance, regardless of other people. You and I will have our very own relationship, not contingent upon the other people in our separate lives. Just me and you.

I will not belittle you, but instead, I will encourage you to explore your own reasons, your own convictions, and praise you through your processes of enlightenment and discovery.

I can't even imagine the depths of my love for you- it's too far-reaching for me to even touch. My love for you is totally endless, limitless, beyond the level of comprehension.

This is my unmistakable, unshakable promise to you: I'm all yours, now and always.

If

If I could rest on your lap
And feel your arms wrap
Around me,
Every minute of each day...
I would know what rapture was.

Dear, if I could tie my shoe
To a lace or two
Of yours,
Those knots would be unyielding
I would never leave your side.

My love, if I could have you hold me,
Bind your limbs around me
Snug and secure,
Our bond would be cemented
I would want nothing more.

If I could hear your voice say
You love me now and always
continually,
be a broken record,
I would always be assured

That you are mine
And always,
And forever more.

you make me better

I’m taking back my rightful right

as a person on this Earth.

You cannot bind me from my choice;

you will not steal my worth.

I’m stripping down to flesh and bone,

revealing my raw self.

You cannot make me hide what is mine;

you cannot steal my Self---

Self- worth, love, expression. Self- honor;

these are mine to represent.

Self- acceptance, respect, grace. Free Will;

these are all mine to defend.

I’m standing up for what I know

to be true in my own heart.

You cannot break my spirit now;

you will not pick me apart.

Beat me, push me, knock me down; I will withstand.

Slap me, punch me, shoot me dead; I will rise again

from my heartbreak, from your wretchedness.

Freedom from the shackles

you have pinned against me,

I can break through chains.

I have found a way to free my Self;

I’m taking back control.

You may think you’ve got the best of me,

but I still have my soul.

Do you?