all my heart goes out to you, Bubba

My Bubba-

I find myself thinking back to where I was before you were born: 200+ pounds, swollen face, hands and legs, sore all over. I was so anxious to meet the person who took home inside my womb. I was so nervous: What if I don’t know what to do once you’re born? I was growing impatient with everyday that passed, as there was nothing on my mind except for meeting, you, my son, for the first time.

I remember the day we found out that you were a boy. I remember Daddy; the tears in his eyes, the smile on his face, the bliss in his voice. On the ride home, we couldn’t stop smiling if we tried. Dad called Grandma and Grandpa, I called Gammy and Pop-Pop, to tell them that they were going to have a grandson named Liam Michael. It goes without saying, they were overjoyed.

I remember that I stared at your ultrasound pictures for DAYS, stopping only to blink or shed a tear. I carried them around with me, so I could look you whenever I wanted.

I remember the exact spot that I felt your first kick, directly beneath my left ribcage. What a thrill it was that very first time in particular, to have you physically communicate your own existence!!!

I remember looking at my belly on a daily basis, rubbing your feet through my flesh, singing to you through my navel, whispering to you how wonderful I knew you were going to be. I was right.

I remember laughing when you would move; it tickled me inside out- both physically and emotionally.

I remember taking baths and watching you swirl around, especially when I would splash my belly with water- you must have been doing back flips.

I remember the day Daddy and I got married- you were with us. I can barely think about that day without crying, as it was so special to have you with us on such an important day. You and I looked beautiful that day, together.

I remember going for my monthly, and eventually weekly checkups, and how excited I would be: Maybe I would get to see you on the monitor!! And at the very least, I knew I’d hear your heartbeat, which was music to my ears, (and still is).

Each day, I remember recognizing that you were always with me, and that everything I did was for you. It became my “auto-pilot,” it became my way of living, and it became my future.

I remember dreaming of you; what you would look like, how your hand would fit into mine, how your laugh would sound.

I remember taking pictures every week to document our physical growth. What I could not document was the evolution of our bond and of our love for one another. That was a sacred spot for both of us, and was for our ears only.

I remember when Riley began to sleep in your room before you were even born. She knew I was pregnant. She was expecting you.

I remember how great of a support Daddy was for me, and consequently, for you. He was constantly reminding me that he was proud of me, and that he loved me. He fed us ice cream every night Liam!!

I remember your due date coming and going with you still in my belly. This was hard to swallow. I just wanted to be able to kiss you and lay my cheek to yours.

I remember calling Daddy and telling him “We’re having a baby tomorrow.” “GULP!!” he said. That night, we tucked ourselves in bed with tears in our eyes, for we knew the next day, we would meet the love of our lives- you.

I remember how sad I was to have my pregnancy come to an end because I felt so close with you, so connected. We were two people living in the same body. I knew the very core of you, and you of me.

I remember the ride to the hospital, holding Dad’s hand, calling Gammy and Grandma, smiling from ear to ear. We stopped at Starbucks before our 6:00am check-in at Fairfax Hospital. It was my last savory treat until the next day.

I remember labor being all the more intense because, darn it, I just wanted you in MY arms!! I had a c-section after 12 hours of labor. I remember feeling the doctors wiggle you out of my tummy and hold you up. I remember how fast the tears came, and how little I could do to keep myself from crying. You were crying, not surprisingly. But it was one of the most beautiful cries I have ever heard.

I remember having to say goodbye to you and Dad for 30 minutes while they cleaned me up. I woke up in a recovery area where, as soon as I opened my eyes, I saw you and Daddy staring at each other silently. I am thankful for that memory, and always will be.

I remember the next 3 days in the hospital were hard on all three of us, but at the same time, they were our first 3 days as a family, as a unit, as a whole- and we made it through together. Just as we have this past year! And what a WONDERFUL year it has been.


Our dearest Liam-

Today, you are 1 year old. Dad and I cannot put into words how much we love you- it is simply impossible. However, I can tell you that this past year has been the most profound year of our lives- watching you grow, witnessing your discoveries, encouraging your desires, and providing for your needs. While we both knew how special you would be, I don’t think either one of us could have imagined you to be as incredible as you truly are. You have helped us learn so much, as our teamwork as a couple, our abilities as parents, and our patience as humans has far surpassed what we thought ourselves capable. Thank you for your precious presence in our lives.

You, in one word, are magic, my love.
All our love, forever and ever-

Mommy and Daddy.